One more time, Powell’s. And with that, I will return to my blogging hiatus.
For now:
This was a fun trip with a good long-time friend. We talked about philosophy, religion, education, and life in general. She is one of the few people with religion (whom I know personally) who tries to actually apply her beliefs to her life, instead of separating the belief from “reality.” She does question her beliefs, but she isn’t on a constant hunt for new perspectives. That, ironically (?), allows her to be so secure in her belief that she doesn’t feel the need to immediately deny what others believe in. She doesn’t even feel the need to mention her beliefs, most of the time, especially when it’s the other person “turn” to talk. (“Turn,” as in, people bring their conversation topics and she doesn’t hijack them, turning everything into an opportunity to make a big deal about her belief. That is how secure her belief is.)
It is refreshing to talk to such a person. It is something I want to learn from her.
She also had a baby not long ago, and the amount of care she puts for her baby, even remotely, was so soothing to watch. Sadly, not all parents do this—even when they claim they wanted the child. Knowing that and after what happened earlier this year, it was good to see my friend loving the human she and her husband created, so so much. On and off, I also heard the conversations between them as a couple, and that indirectly soothed me too.
Nevertheless, my mind became heavier and heavier over the course of the past 9 days. I don’t know why this is, exactly. The dark events have been happening for months by now. It’s like, by now I should be over it.
But I am not.
Well, I kinda predicted that it would take 111 days “since the shift” for me to undo the shift, because that is about how long it took for the shift. And it hasn’t been 111 days yet. 111 days will arrive in late June. I am about halfway through the un-shift; that might be why I am still in a dark place, darker than immediately post shift.
Maybe it’s that I am now more truly accepting the possibility that absolutely no one can support anyone else in the truest sense. In the end, we are the universe (for each of us) and we have to believe in ourselves.
And it is interesting that one of the most memorable things my friend said, on this trip, is also along those lines. It’s not that she isn’t supportive or that there aren’t supportive people around her; it’s that support doesn’t work by being demanded and given in passive aggressive threats. In fact, by now, I associate confident claims about being such-and-such with the exact opposite qualities. (It can be any such and such, but “I am a supportive person” is one example. It is as senseless as “I am smart.” It is pretty much proof of un-smartness.)
Being emotionally whole on one’s own is both overwhelming and powerful. It seems that I am currently leaning more toward being overwhelmed. Also, I can see the possibility of wholeness, but I am nowhere near that yet. Moreover, I am disappointed in myself that despite all this, I cannot give support. I utterly failed on multiple levels. Hence the darkness.
This feeling is the worst in the morning and it has been getting worse day by day. The first thing I think of when I wake up is “I don’t want to live.” These aren’t active suicidal thoughts. They’re just statements of fact. Then follows “I am worthless.” Also, “Remember the worst that happened; it can still happen to me.” Even worse, again: “I completely failed”—because, even as I want to be whole without anyone else’s help, it would be nice to give support. If someone had been there while I was going through these things, things might have been different; if I had been there while people in my life went through their things, there might have been nothing for me to go through at all. That is the sad irony. At some point, someone might have supported the chain reaction, sort of like a dam. Maybe the flow of tragedy could have been managed somehow.
Before those events, I had not thought about these topics. So, another irony is that only by having gone through the shift can I perhaps, in the future, prevent other shifts or make them somehow more digestible.
Anyway, I wouldn’t say I have ever been a positive or optimistic person, but usually I am not this negative or pessimistic either. I would say my current mind state is an anomaly; the first time in my life that things have been this “bad.”
So, anyway, yeah. I gotta figure something out during the blogging hiatus.
Summer is coming for real…!
Stay toasty.
And don’t blame yourself too much, wherever you are in life. Surely you did your best.