I don’t know if I can live the way I want to live.


I live in a small box. At the same time, I abhor small-box thinkers. Also at the same time, the alternative to small-box thinking seems to be to ooze out in every which direction, uncontrollably. I abhor that too.

Ideally, I would neither be a small-box thinker or someone who oozes out in every which way, uncontrollably.

Before the un-shift, I have clung to small-box thinking rather than risk being the oozer-outer. But direct and indirect interactions with small-box thinkers (who are in even smaller boxes than me) have increased the repulsion against small-box thinking.

So, now, I’m stuck.

Theoretically, I should abandon all abhorrence (fear) of becoming like either side. Thereby I will be able to live my ideal self. But oh, is it difficult to let go of the notions of right and wrong. I don’t know if I can live the way I want to live.

And yet, I am inclined to believe the theory that abandoning all abhorrence (fear) will lead to my liberation, because so far, clinging to abhorrence (fear) hasn’t worked. Both my disgust for oozing out and being tightly imprisoned in a small box is a way to set conditions on “how life should be lived.” Even when my aim is simply to never have to interact with such people again—as in, I don’t care to change other people, I just don’t want anything to do with them, those oozer-outers and those extreme-small-box-thinkers who require their small box to delude themselves into fake open-mindedness—even then, the theory goes that the very idea that I want to live life a certain way prevents me from living life in the way I want. (!!!)

Therein lies the fundamental irony of life, which I am inclined to believe reflects the truth—because, again, other theories I’ve examined, so far, have not worked. So, I am willing to consider this one.

If I want to live the way I want, I must let go of wanting to live in a particular way. Avoiding the appearances of others is not the way to go; one cannot avoid the reflections of one’s internal self. Theoretically, even if I move to a remote island, I will somehow encounter the reflections of my internal self. Because, who do I take with me, to the remote island? Myself.

So then, the next logical question is, “how do I get rid of notions?”

But even that is one way to cling to a solution! And I am not allowed to cling! I am definitely not a oozer-outer at this time, but I remain a small boxer!

To escape the small box, I must remove the box without trying to get out of it.

How do I do that?!

“Let go” is the wise answer that many different schools of thought give. Sometimes, during meditation, I do indeed let go. I feel infinitely infinite. But that feeling does not last long. There are techniques to stay in a meditative state at all times (not just in the sitting position, but everywhere you go; no matter what happens). Maybe I should look into that.

But wouldn’t that also be the opposite direction of letting go?

A bunch of texts/folks describe, in different ways, how enlightenment isn’t something to aspire to. It isn’t something to get to. It isn’t a goal. By not making it a goal, you eventually arrive there—or something along those lines. How would I know how it really works, since I’ve never been there for long, if at all?

I’m not sure if I should try harder. (Probably, it’s not the answer.)

Should I try less? (But what would I do instead?)

Or I should stop telling myself that things are difficult. It’s easy to observe the irony in others when they say “It’s too difficult” about things that aren’t difficult at all, for me. But when it comes to me finding things difficult, of course I find it difficult to imagine that difficult things aren’t difficult.

That is why it is so appealing to exist in a state in which I can feel infinite. Then there will be no difficulty because I can see both how things could be difficult and un-difficult. I could choose between the two without a sense of right/wrong, good/evil.

Another reason for the challenges I face is that I intend to make practical use of the theories. I am severely uninterested in theories that exist in the theoretical realm only. I believe very few valuable theories are “only” theories. Not all theories may be immediately applicable, but there is a difference between being not immediately applicable and being impossible to apply. The valuable theories are the ones that aren’t impossible to apply.

That said, what counts as “impossible” may differ depending on context. I imagine that it’s not always identifiable whether a theory can be applied or not; more likely, especially with philosophy and other “soft” theories that don’t necessarily rely on the limits of physics, the identification is done on an individual basis. As in, it’s an individual who decides whether a theory can be made use of or not.

I understand at the theoretical level how realities can be the reflections of our inner selves. I also understand the theoretical benefits. I even want the benefits! I also get that clinging to the benefits will remove me farther from said benefits!

But the whole point of this particular theory is feeling and acknowledgment. And both are neither cataloguing nor intellectual understanding nor describing, examining, condition-setting, or making use of. I have felt little tiny pieces of feeling and acknowledgment, but I feel like I haven’t felt the deepest of my fears.

I guess this is why they call it “suppressed emotions.”

I’ve heard that people who start meditating regularly tend to experience the “good” effects in the early days. It’s like with any beginner’s luck. Then come the months or years of perceived “down.” This is because the stuff that used to be ignored rises to the surface. Suddenly one works at maximum capacity and it can be overwhelming.

(Note: This post is part of the May Notes. Things are, as always, changing both swiftly and not at all.)

If this is that down, then it took me about a couple of months to reach this state. My beginner’s luck lasted two months. I hope the down lasts months, rather than years, but hey, even that is clinging. Hahaha so it’s an infinite cycle of “Hey I want this” and then “but wait, that’s clinging.”

Another challenge, or possibly an advantage: I’m not sure how I want to live, exactly, except for the broad sense of not wanting to be a small-boxer or an oozer-outer. I mean, I have things I would like to do (ex: I always want the resources to write, translate, and publish stories; I want a community for creators; I want health, etc.) but they could happen in any number of ways. I’m not sure if that helps with setting direction (which of the parallel realities am I moving to/from, every second of my existence?) or if it’s insufficient because it is vague.