I don’t want to do anything.



Blogging (or taking notes for future blog posts) and meditating are the only things that still come naturally. Most everything else, I’m forcing myself to do: eating, doing the absolute minimum work under my legal name, and podcasting according to schedule under both pen names. Translation also happens; it is laborious and mechanical, which is helpful, in this case.

I have zero desire to watch movies, read, or listen to podcasts. It seems daunting, more daunting than translation or recording a podcast episode myself.

I let myself be. See how long this lasts. Minimize resistance. Resistance is futile. Nonresistance isn’t necessarily nonpainful (it sucks to feel useless), but every time prior to this, I distracted myself by working harder or staying hopeful or some such thing.

Let’s see if this new method of doing nothing can address more fundamental suppressed stress.

In other words, I am trying to stop trying to fix things. Or improve things. Or grow. [Insert any synonym.]

This is the first time I have ever lived without a schedule, in my life. Well, the podcast schedules are there, but they’re fairly mellow. And I had material piled up before this period of “not doing anything,” so I somehow manage to get the episodes out.

Other than the podcasts, I have no goal. No motivation. The vertex is still there, but I never expected it to be realized overnight, so it’s not hugely relevant in this timespace.

The main reason for this shift is that now, I am digesting how a statement like “not perceiving something as a problem stops problems from manifesting in reality” might hold truth. A statement like this is sometimes abused to avoid responsibility, yes. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that it isn’t true. I am testing if it is true with me as the guinea pig.

(And “not perceiving something as a problem” has nothing to do with avoidance or distraction. That’s a key element to not abusing the statement, I suspect. It’s more like… there the problem is. It is there. It exists. It does. It really does. And not despite that but because of that, it doesn’t become a problem anymore.)

Anyway, not having a schedule used to be a problem (in my perception) and thus, even when having a schedule, I felt I wasn’t keeping up. So, maybe, if not having a schedule isn’t a problem (in my perception), I won’t need to keep up at all. “Keeping up” to others or to myself, as a concept, will vanish. It won’t be a problem, not because I ignore it or avoid it, but because it just cannot be a problem anymore. (!!!)

The result of this test and other related tests will be apparent in future blog posts as well as where I am in, say, 20 years. If the test results show I was being delusional, I might be cremated in a few months. If I wasn’t delusional (if I was right!!!) then I am not sure where I will be, but probably I won’t be dead yet…

…unless there is a freak accident. In which case, at least I get to be glad I didn’t die while trying to stick to a schedule.

Whatever happens happens—another statement that gets abused by avoidance and distraction. But avoidance and distraction need not be part of such a statement.

Blogging is one of the things that just happens.