Is coffee a problem? And other thoughts…

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Since the trip that ended in mid-May, I haven’t had a sip of alcohol. But coffee, I have been drinking almost daily.

I sleep better than ever, but this addiction to coffee is real. When I don’t drink it, I feel slightly down and sluggish. That isn’t great for feeling with the body. I have always trusted my body, but since I have been paying more conscious attention to it as the signaler of emotions, I have come to love and trust it even more; and coffee, although it generates great feelings in my body, also seems to somewhat distract it from catching all there is to catch, in terms of signals. (It catches the signals and then signals to me what’s there to know.)

I’ve attempted a few times in the past three months to skip coffee, for the day…

…and most of the time, failed. Hehehe. I ended up drinking coffee in the afternoon. This did not prevent good sleep, but it does have me wonder… This is an addiction… is this a problem?

I like coffee. I like it. I like it. I like it. I want to drink it.

Maybe, after I work through the deepest and most suppressed emotions, I will be able to do without coffee? So, sort of, right now, it’s like the training wheels on a bike.

The emotions go back to the womb, literally. If you haven’t experienced this, you might find this odd or unscientific. That’s up to you, to feel that way. I was surprised, myself. I didn’t think I “remembered” things like my mother being almost attacked by a creep, in the middle of the night, when she was pregnant with me. But somehow, I do remember, and I now know the root of the feelings I’ve had for the entirety of my life, either consciously or unconsciously.

Early June was the first time I cried in terror from hitherto unconscious things. Then, I think mid or late June was the second time.

And from July 12 on, weeks of nearly daily crying began. And involuntary body movement. Yeah. Really.

How do I know that this is good or desirable or right? Because after such a session, the muscles in my body relax. Literally. And I know I say literally a lot, but it’s because it’s literally literal. There used to be a very hard, brick-like muscle knot in my lower abdomen. That thing is now almost gone. It returns with precision whenever I attack myself (in my mind; in my reality). There is something with my shoulders too. Something with hard muscles there. I used to think that foam rollers and exercise and stretches would relax them; now I do not. I’ve tried those methods. I’ve tried them for my abdomen as well. I’ve tried all the surface methods.

Oh, did I tell you that my so-called incurable atopic dermatitis has been steadily calming down? Not because I tried to make it so. Not because I applied ointments or changed my diet or sleep schedule. I’ve tried those external methods before, all of them. I’ve lived with this condition for decades. The burning skin started calming down since sometime in June, and especially from July 12 on. Just like that. Rapidly.

There is something with attack and being attacked inside me. Something about being a completely useless parasite baby. Something about being utterly wrong for having ever existed; not for being born, but for having existed at all. I honestly had no idea, consciously, until July.

So, I cannot imagine what other stuff is gonna come out in the next several months. At this point I feel a kind of perverted excitement about finding out more about myself. I mean, seriously, who knew? I certainly didn’t.

And it’s funny how all the “success” from the past were actually not successes, they were just delusions. But so were the “failures.” Failures weren’t “good” either, because I didn’t know what the heck they meant.

But now I have this system that science cannot prove, but works with such precision with my body, that I’m happy to believe my body rather than science that first needs a large enough dataset to prove anything.

There is only one of me in this world. There is only one body of mine. I cannot wait for science. I cannot wait for objectivity. I can’t wait for statistics and the “learned” people to tell me that I’m actually meeting my true self in the way as they define it. I don’t need a teacher (although many people taught me and helped me). Any teacher worth a damn, in this area, will tell you (if they actually believe what they say they believe) that the answer is in you. No teacher can guide you. Ever. EVER. All they can tell you is that the answer is in you. That is literally the only guidance they can provide you. Stop looking elsewhere, they will say. Everything is in you.

Only after starting to take this literally did I see changes in my body. No amount of affirmations and schedules and good grades and money did it. (Nothing wrong with affirmations, schedules, good grades, and money; they’re only detrimental if one believes that they, on their own, mean something.)

Oh, I love my body so much. I also love my ego. That poor thing was only trying to keep me alive. (If some “learned” person tells you to kill your ego to become “enlightened,” run. Please run. Seriously. I know I’m not much of an external proof. But come on. The belief that all deserves love cannot coexist with the belief that something in us must be exterminated. Nevertheless believing that the ego must die is a classic example of pretend-understanding with the head and not with the whole body. How do these “learned” people think the ego must feel? It’s going to resist like mad, of course!)

How did I get to this point, when I only meant to talk about coffee…?

My body. Yeah, I like coffee, my body responds reliably to it, and I’m not sure if that’s good or bad or neutral. Or nothing. Or everything. Probably, it’s encouraging that my body does react in some way. It would be alarming, somewhat, if I were to put something in my body and my body doesn’t notice. It’s… it would be weird. If I eat food, I should feel full, if I drink water, I should stop feeling thirsty, and if I drink coffee, something has to happen, otherwise, my body is dead to its signals.

Presently, my body is not dead, but also, coffee affects how I perceive emotions–which are basically energy.

Long story short: I don’t know if I will keep drinking coffee, but I like coffee, so for now, I am drinking it.

The body is an excellent mirror. It is the most loyal mirror, because it cannot abandon us, so long as we exist in this world. I love it.