Nausea, retching, and yawning (+ crying, it turns out).


From May:

I hear that nausea, retching, and yawning are common. I also hear that some people’s reactions are more extreme: loud crying, even coughing up blood. (!!!)

I mean, by now, unspiritual & externally-focused scientific studies also note the connection between mind and body on this earth. So, it’s not surprising that there is some sort of observable reaction when internal issues that where hitherto left unaddressed suddenly are addressed.

Added in June:

After reaching the lowest of lows in late May (this was when I wanted to die, intensely), I experienced strong physical reactions in early June, during meditation. Body shaking + uncontrollable crying. This happened over the period of two days.


At first it was just shaking, during morning meditation. But it was different from the usual shivers, because it was… really, it was uncontrollable. This lasted for about an hour or so. Some people are able to push through this experience–both because they have the will and also because their schedule allows for it–but I told my body/self: “Girl, we gotta take a break. I’m exhausted.”

And body/self cooperated. This cooperation would’ve amazed me last year; it doesn’t amaze me anymore. From about 2 months of intense LISTENING to my body/self, I had formed trust, it seemed.


That same night, I resumed meditation. I wondered if this “resuming” was possible at all, just like that; it was. Body shaking resumed, and surprisingly, uncontrollable crying ensued. The crying itself lasted 20 minutes or so; the whole session lasted about an hour.

The shaking & crying had to do with fear for life. (Everything from early childhood on.) Then I was exhausted again, and also, it felt as if I had released enough, so I declared, “Good. This session over.” Body/self cooperated again. I slept well that night. Most of May and June, I slept very very well. It was as if I was being rewarded for trying to talk to me.


The following morning, to my surprise (but only a mild one) the body shaking resumed yet again. And, more crying. This session also lasted an hour. The crying itself was much shorter than that, but the build-up & denouement is necessary, in my case.

There was also mild meditation crying in mid-June, but that was more about sadness than fear for life. A few times, I even tried to cry, because I wondered if there was still something lingering deep down; but I couldn’t. The self (selves?) either needs to cry, or it doesn’t, and it seems that it doesn’t need to anymore. For now.

On these notes from the past:

They’re tagged #maynotes and #junenotes. And this post is being published in mid-July.

I feel more comfortable publishing these notes after some time, rather than in real time. Besides, publishing them later also allows me to describe a series of events, as I am doing here.

Anyway, these days, during meditation, I experience mild shaking (more like 1-2 second shivers), occasional yawning, and very mild nausea. None of these physical reactions are as severe as in April, May, and June. It used to be that when I yawned during meditation, there was an excess amount of tears. (As in, more than when I usually yawn. Which is… so weird.) Now, even when the yawning happens during meditation, there are almost no tears. Just, normal-level tears.

This makes me wonder wth I was doing in the previous decade, before Nebelung, when I said I was meditating. I thought I was meditating, but now I’m thinking, it was closer to any conventional Blind Positivity Bullshit out there. I was breathing “calmly” to suppress, not to release. This did me zero good. The suppressed stuff all go somewhere. Now, even if one does not believe in the existence of a subconscious basement, one can very much feel it in one’s body. Say, for example, in one’s muscles tensing up. This, I had been building up for over a decade.

Now? My body is way more relaxed. It’s not because of more stretching or more exercise or less eating or healthy eating or more sleep. All that, I’ve tried before. They are external tactics.

No, this relaxation came to me because I actually addressed the suppressed selves, finally. During one meditation session in June, the before/after of my physical state was so dramatically different, I couldn’t believe it. (I’ve had tense muscles around my belly region, for as long as I can remember. That thing just disappeared. Completely disappeared. Within half an hour. And it has stayed so, so far. It was like, my belly was defending itself against me! And now it doesn’t feel the need to, anymore.)

Anyway, yeah. I do not meditate for the result. However, by now I am fairly certain that when I meditate properly (by which, in my case, I mean that I actually see/listen what I need to see/listen, and then go to zero) then results show on their own, whether I expect them to or not.